Post by Liz on Mar 3, 2008 12:42:55 GMT -5
Title: His Strength
Author: Liz
Rating: Suitable for all
Pairing: Karl/Susan
Spoilers: UK Spoilers
Disclaimer: Unfortunately these characters do not belong to me. They are rather wonderful and I'd love to steal them but they are the work of the Neighbours crew.
Summary: Karl's thoughts on Susan's illness and his past. Feedback would be welcomed but not necessary. I haven't written a fic in quite a while and thought I'd give it a go again
It can’t be. It can’t be what I think it is. It just can’t.
It is MS. You know it is and you’re just refusing to think about it. Stop being selfish and actually do something for once in your life.
I sit on the computer, staring at the screen. The symptoms all add up but I still can’t accept it. I haven’t practised medicine in over a year, I could be very wrong. But yet something tells me that I’m not. I’ve seen her suffer, I saw her pick up that dish and not feel a thing in her hands. She knocked Bridget down accidentally and didn’t realise until much later. How can it not be MS? The signs are there. They are all there.
Of course it could be a number of other things like a brain tumour perhaps. I know that Susan’s been feeling very drowsy and has been suffering from headaches. A tumour could also explain the loss of sensation in her hands. This is not ideal at all. I don’t want her to have a tumour. It could be very serious and life threatening. But at the same time I can’t bear the thought of my wife, who has always been so fit and healthy, suffering from multiple sclerosis. But a tumour wouldn’t cause complete loss of sensation in her hands, I don’t believe. She also hasn’t been sick or experienced really painful headaches. Her vision is completely gone. A tumour wouldn’t do that. This all fits.
I read the screen again, continuing to check the symptoms but I know I am right. I know it in my mind and I know it in my heart. Susan, my beloved wife of thirty years, has multiple sclerosis. There’s nothing else that even fits every symptom she has experienced. I can’t move, I can’t do anything. I feel like I’m paralysed. A chill runs down my spine. This is potentially going to destroy Susan and I’m going to have to be the one to tell her. I am going to break her heart again. I can’t do this. I can’t. Everything in me is screaming. I don’t want to believe that she has this disease but I can’t think of anything else. I am wishing with everything that I am that this is only a simple virus but it isn’t. Not this time.
I become aware of tears on my cheeks. I didn’t even know I was crying. I hope that nobody comes home yet. I don’t want to scare them. I don’t want them to know what I have found. Not yet. Perhaps it’s fear of them telling Susan before I do. I know that none of them would do it intentionally but they would act different around her. And Susan being as clever as she is would guess. And she’d put a brave face on but I would know. I always know when she’s in pain. She may think she’s good at hiding it but not from me she isn’t. It’s the way her eyes don’t smile when she does, the way her lower lip trembles slightly and it’s the false bravado. Believe me when you are married for thirty years, you know these things instantly. It’s like you’ve always known.
Susan can read me just as well as I can read her. She knows when I lie. Heaven knows I’ve done enough of that to last a lifetime. She knows when I’m in pain and she knows when I am being an idiot. I suppose muppet is a better word because I’ve been a complete prat over the past few years. It makes me cringe now when I think back to how I was. I fawned over Izzy like she was something special when in reality she was a liar and a cheat. I’m over my hatred over her but I will never forgive her. I don’t think of her much anymore. I don’t have the time nor the inclination.
Life is precious and until Susan fell ill, I took it for granted. I used to feel I was never satisfied with what I had. I wasn’t satisfied with being a GP, I wasn’t satisfied with being a family man and worst of all I felt I wasn’t satisfied with Susan. God to think how I was back then hurts me more then anyone will ever know. I had become so dependant on alcohol and the feeling of being young again, I convinced myself I’d fallen out of love with Susan. I hadn’t not at all but I believed I had and so felt that I needed escape, a new life. Mistakenly I thought Izzy would show me that. She was so carefree and didn’t particularly care what anyone thought. It was refreshing to me. How I thought that now is just beyond understanding. I was very much in a mid life crisis and it was possibly the worst one I’ve ever had. People say that you only experience one but not for Dr Karl Kennedy! I’ve experienced about a million of them. So I’m an expert on them. This one though just grabbed hold of me by the throat and made me out to be a world-class fool. Which indeed I still am, I feel.
But now is not the time for ruminations on my past. Susan’s all that matters now. She’s all I have and if she has the progressive-relapsing form of Multiple Sclerosis, I don’t know what I will do. I can only hope she has the less aggressive version of it which is relapsing-remitting. That might be manageable but still it does limit her severely. It’s devastating to think that her life may be completely changed by this illness. Susan has always been independent. I may have hurt her and taken a lot of things away from her but that has always remained. And now that will go.
I am angry now. Angry that she will suffer. Haven’t I caused her enough already? And even though I know this illness is not my fault, I feel responsible. Perhaps I partly caused these symptoms to flare up just by doing the things I have done over the years. That knowledge frightens me and I feel the familiar sensation of self-loathing wash over me in waves. I know I am not worthy of her love. I have been so lucky that she has accepted me back into her life and to be part of her family. But I know I have not begun to make up for the damage and pain I caused her and my family all those years ago. I am determined to try though. I must.
The door suddenly opens, interrupting my thoughts and Libby walks in with Ben, both obviously back from the hospital. Libby looks tired and older then her years. It saddens me to see how life has turned out for her. She has loved exactly two men in her life and both relationships have ended in heartbreak. Drew, her husband, died about five or six years ago and I know she has never quite gotten over him. My daughter loved him very much. We all did. He was a wonderful husband and a devoted father to his son, Ben.
Her other relationship has been with Darren Stark, someone I have never really liked. Mainly because he reminds me of myself. Darren has always had that bad boy edge to him, perhaps what attracted Libby to him. I think in some ways Darren has always been the love of Libby’s life as their relationship has been on and off more times then I can count. But he was there in the beginning and was her first love.
Unfortunately Darren has a wandering eye more so lately as he has cheated on Libby more times then I’d like to think. Part of me understands the man as I have done exactly the same thing and I know how his mind works. But then the other part of me is fiercely protective of my daughter and will not tolerate anyone that hurts her in such a way. That includes myself.
Libby and Darren have split again and I think this time it is for good. She cannot forgive him for doing the dirty on her once more and just feels like the trust has gone. And once that is gone, how can you have a relationship? I can’t argue with that. And I wonder how Susan can still trust me after everything I’ve put her through.
“Dad? Are you okay?” Libby’s voice interrupts my thoughts and I turn to her.
“I’m fine darling.” I reassure her, though she doesn’t look convinced.
“You sure? You look pretty pale.” She tells me.
“I guess it’s just been a hard week.” I smile at her. “And I could say the same about you. Been to the hospital?”
Libby nods wearily. “Yeah, Mum’s still the same really. Still no vision and that Demi Vinton is starting to irritate me. She tells us nothing.”
“I know sweetie but you must understand they don’t want to say anything until they are absolutely sure. It’s important that your Mum doesn’t get the wrong diagnosis.”
“Yeah I know.” Libby sighed. She turned to Ben. “Hey, why don’t you go over to Mickey’s for a bit?”
Ben’s face lights up. “Can I mum? That’d be awesome!”
Libby smiles at her son and kisses him on the forehead. “Go. But be back for dinner you hear?” Ben nods and then races out of the door.
I smile watching the two of them. It is clear that Libby adores her son, much like I adore her. I always knew that she would make a great mother and I am glad she has him in her life. I think sometimes it helps her when she is feeling lonely.
Libby pulls over a chair and sits next to me. I sigh, knowing she is about to read what is on the computer screen. She looks at her and I watch the colour in her face drain away.
“Dad?” She asks in a small voice and suddenly it feels like she is eight again. And I need to protect her.
“I’m not entirely sure.” I respond. It’s a lie but I can’t tell her the truth yet. I want it to be confirmed by the doctors.
“But you have a feeling it is right?” She asks. I say nothing. “Come on Dad, you wouldn’t be doing this if you didn’t have a slight inkling.”
“I hope to god I’m wrong Lib.” I speak shakily then. “But the symptoms fit.”
Libby says nothing and it is then I know she is scared. I can sense it. I turn to her then and I see her crying silently. Gently I pull her to me, hoping I can comfort her somewhat. As I do, I feel the tears come again but I force them away. I need to be strong, I need to be strong for Libby and I need to be strong for Susan, there for her. I’ve always taken things away from this family of mine because of my selfishness but now I can give something back. My strength and my love.
Author: Liz
Rating: Suitable for all
Pairing: Karl/Susan
Spoilers: UK Spoilers
Disclaimer: Unfortunately these characters do not belong to me. They are rather wonderful and I'd love to steal them but they are the work of the Neighbours crew.
Summary: Karl's thoughts on Susan's illness and his past. Feedback would be welcomed but not necessary. I haven't written a fic in quite a while and thought I'd give it a go again
It can’t be. It can’t be what I think it is. It just can’t.
It is MS. You know it is and you’re just refusing to think about it. Stop being selfish and actually do something for once in your life.
I sit on the computer, staring at the screen. The symptoms all add up but I still can’t accept it. I haven’t practised medicine in over a year, I could be very wrong. But yet something tells me that I’m not. I’ve seen her suffer, I saw her pick up that dish and not feel a thing in her hands. She knocked Bridget down accidentally and didn’t realise until much later. How can it not be MS? The signs are there. They are all there.
Of course it could be a number of other things like a brain tumour perhaps. I know that Susan’s been feeling very drowsy and has been suffering from headaches. A tumour could also explain the loss of sensation in her hands. This is not ideal at all. I don’t want her to have a tumour. It could be very serious and life threatening. But at the same time I can’t bear the thought of my wife, who has always been so fit and healthy, suffering from multiple sclerosis. But a tumour wouldn’t cause complete loss of sensation in her hands, I don’t believe. She also hasn’t been sick or experienced really painful headaches. Her vision is completely gone. A tumour wouldn’t do that. This all fits.
I read the screen again, continuing to check the symptoms but I know I am right. I know it in my mind and I know it in my heart. Susan, my beloved wife of thirty years, has multiple sclerosis. There’s nothing else that even fits every symptom she has experienced. I can’t move, I can’t do anything. I feel like I’m paralysed. A chill runs down my spine. This is potentially going to destroy Susan and I’m going to have to be the one to tell her. I am going to break her heart again. I can’t do this. I can’t. Everything in me is screaming. I don’t want to believe that she has this disease but I can’t think of anything else. I am wishing with everything that I am that this is only a simple virus but it isn’t. Not this time.
I become aware of tears on my cheeks. I didn’t even know I was crying. I hope that nobody comes home yet. I don’t want to scare them. I don’t want them to know what I have found. Not yet. Perhaps it’s fear of them telling Susan before I do. I know that none of them would do it intentionally but they would act different around her. And Susan being as clever as she is would guess. And she’d put a brave face on but I would know. I always know when she’s in pain. She may think she’s good at hiding it but not from me she isn’t. It’s the way her eyes don’t smile when she does, the way her lower lip trembles slightly and it’s the false bravado. Believe me when you are married for thirty years, you know these things instantly. It’s like you’ve always known.
Susan can read me just as well as I can read her. She knows when I lie. Heaven knows I’ve done enough of that to last a lifetime. She knows when I’m in pain and she knows when I am being an idiot. I suppose muppet is a better word because I’ve been a complete prat over the past few years. It makes me cringe now when I think back to how I was. I fawned over Izzy like she was something special when in reality she was a liar and a cheat. I’m over my hatred over her but I will never forgive her. I don’t think of her much anymore. I don’t have the time nor the inclination.
Life is precious and until Susan fell ill, I took it for granted. I used to feel I was never satisfied with what I had. I wasn’t satisfied with being a GP, I wasn’t satisfied with being a family man and worst of all I felt I wasn’t satisfied with Susan. God to think how I was back then hurts me more then anyone will ever know. I had become so dependant on alcohol and the feeling of being young again, I convinced myself I’d fallen out of love with Susan. I hadn’t not at all but I believed I had and so felt that I needed escape, a new life. Mistakenly I thought Izzy would show me that. She was so carefree and didn’t particularly care what anyone thought. It was refreshing to me. How I thought that now is just beyond understanding. I was very much in a mid life crisis and it was possibly the worst one I’ve ever had. People say that you only experience one but not for Dr Karl Kennedy! I’ve experienced about a million of them. So I’m an expert on them. This one though just grabbed hold of me by the throat and made me out to be a world-class fool. Which indeed I still am, I feel.
But now is not the time for ruminations on my past. Susan’s all that matters now. She’s all I have and if she has the progressive-relapsing form of Multiple Sclerosis, I don’t know what I will do. I can only hope she has the less aggressive version of it which is relapsing-remitting. That might be manageable but still it does limit her severely. It’s devastating to think that her life may be completely changed by this illness. Susan has always been independent. I may have hurt her and taken a lot of things away from her but that has always remained. And now that will go.
I am angry now. Angry that she will suffer. Haven’t I caused her enough already? And even though I know this illness is not my fault, I feel responsible. Perhaps I partly caused these symptoms to flare up just by doing the things I have done over the years. That knowledge frightens me and I feel the familiar sensation of self-loathing wash over me in waves. I know I am not worthy of her love. I have been so lucky that she has accepted me back into her life and to be part of her family. But I know I have not begun to make up for the damage and pain I caused her and my family all those years ago. I am determined to try though. I must.
The door suddenly opens, interrupting my thoughts and Libby walks in with Ben, both obviously back from the hospital. Libby looks tired and older then her years. It saddens me to see how life has turned out for her. She has loved exactly two men in her life and both relationships have ended in heartbreak. Drew, her husband, died about five or six years ago and I know she has never quite gotten over him. My daughter loved him very much. We all did. He was a wonderful husband and a devoted father to his son, Ben.
Her other relationship has been with Darren Stark, someone I have never really liked. Mainly because he reminds me of myself. Darren has always had that bad boy edge to him, perhaps what attracted Libby to him. I think in some ways Darren has always been the love of Libby’s life as their relationship has been on and off more times then I can count. But he was there in the beginning and was her first love.
Unfortunately Darren has a wandering eye more so lately as he has cheated on Libby more times then I’d like to think. Part of me understands the man as I have done exactly the same thing and I know how his mind works. But then the other part of me is fiercely protective of my daughter and will not tolerate anyone that hurts her in such a way. That includes myself.
Libby and Darren have split again and I think this time it is for good. She cannot forgive him for doing the dirty on her once more and just feels like the trust has gone. And once that is gone, how can you have a relationship? I can’t argue with that. And I wonder how Susan can still trust me after everything I’ve put her through.
“Dad? Are you okay?” Libby’s voice interrupts my thoughts and I turn to her.
“I’m fine darling.” I reassure her, though she doesn’t look convinced.
“You sure? You look pretty pale.” She tells me.
“I guess it’s just been a hard week.” I smile at her. “And I could say the same about you. Been to the hospital?”
Libby nods wearily. “Yeah, Mum’s still the same really. Still no vision and that Demi Vinton is starting to irritate me. She tells us nothing.”
“I know sweetie but you must understand they don’t want to say anything until they are absolutely sure. It’s important that your Mum doesn’t get the wrong diagnosis.”
“Yeah I know.” Libby sighed. She turned to Ben. “Hey, why don’t you go over to Mickey’s for a bit?”
Ben’s face lights up. “Can I mum? That’d be awesome!”
Libby smiles at her son and kisses him on the forehead. “Go. But be back for dinner you hear?” Ben nods and then races out of the door.
I smile watching the two of them. It is clear that Libby adores her son, much like I adore her. I always knew that she would make a great mother and I am glad she has him in her life. I think sometimes it helps her when she is feeling lonely.
Libby pulls over a chair and sits next to me. I sigh, knowing she is about to read what is on the computer screen. She looks at her and I watch the colour in her face drain away.
“Dad?” She asks in a small voice and suddenly it feels like she is eight again. And I need to protect her.
“I’m not entirely sure.” I respond. It’s a lie but I can’t tell her the truth yet. I want it to be confirmed by the doctors.
“But you have a feeling it is right?” She asks. I say nothing. “Come on Dad, you wouldn’t be doing this if you didn’t have a slight inkling.”
“I hope to god I’m wrong Lib.” I speak shakily then. “But the symptoms fit.”
Libby says nothing and it is then I know she is scared. I can sense it. I turn to her then and I see her crying silently. Gently I pull her to me, hoping I can comfort her somewhat. As I do, I feel the tears come again but I force them away. I need to be strong, I need to be strong for Libby and I need to be strong for Susan, there for her. I’ve always taken things away from this family of mine because of my selfishness but now I can give something back. My strength and my love.
