Post by brina on Jan 17, 2008 9:53:20 GMT -5
As (semi) requested here is the other Kusan fic I wrote months ago. 
TITLE: Reason for Living
AUTHOR: Brina
EMAIL: PM me
RATING: G
DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere but please ask first
FEEDBACK: Yes please and be honest
DISCLAIMER: No the characters aren’t mine and if they were I wouldn’t put them through this fic!
SPOLIERS: No – I hope we never have to see this on screen.
PAIRINGS/CHARACTERS: Karl and Susan but not really Kusan.
SUMMARY: Coping with the effects of one terrible day.
YEAR: Somewhere around now I think but it could be anytime really.
DATE: 28th April 2007
NOTES: I woke up this morning with a couple of images and a couple of lines in my head. The images were definitely of Karl and Susan and the words related to the situation they were in too. I have no idea what triggered these images and thoughts – maybe subconsciously from fics on here that I re-read yesterday, maybe from the dark places in my head? This fic is the result anyway!
***
She sat alone on the couch, gazing at everything around her but not taking anything in.
Taking in her surroundings would mean accepting her circumstances and that was something she would rather avoid.
She felt dirty and unkempt. Not surprising given the lack of sleep she’d had over the last few days. In fact she’d barely moved from this one spot. She’d tried to eat, tried to drink but only ended up picking at the odd mouthful. She wasn’t hungry anyway. Everything that gave her a hunger and thirst for life had left three days earlier.
***
He sat alone on his couch, gazing at everything around him, but not taking anything in.
Taking in his surroundings would mean accepting his circumstances and that was something he would rather avoid.
He could feel the grease and the dirt accumulate almost by the hour. Not surprising really given his only attempts to pull himself into reality in the last few days had been to splash his face a couple of times with some water from the kitchen tap. It hadn’t worked though. Nothing had. Not even the contents of the now empty bottles of wine and whisky. Why should it? Everything that gave him a thirst for life had left a week earlier.
***
Hour after hour she just sat. Occasionally she stood up and took a closer look at something in the room, but most of all she just sat. Standing required an energy she didn’t have anymore.
As she sat, her hands clasped in her lap, she unconsciously played with her wedding ring. She had often let her fingers wander to the ring in the past not because she felt insecure and needed the reassurance but because it made her smile and reminded her of how lucky and happy she was.
She was not that person now though and reminders like this only served to bring a lump to her throat and the pricking of tears to her eyes.
***
Hour after hour he just sat. Sometimes he stood up to stretch his muscles and joints but most of all he just sat. Standing required an energy he didn’t have anymore.
As he put his empty glass down on the coffee table for the umpteenth time his eyes unconsciously looked to the gold band on the third finger of his left hand but for the first time this week his brain began to compute its meaning. He let his right hand drift over to it and feel the metal as he had done so many times in the past. It should bring a smile to his face and remind him of how lucky he was but instead it did the opposite.
He was not that person anymore and reminders of who he used to be and who he should be only served to make his blood begin to boil with anger, his muscles tense and tears prick the back of his eyes.
***
She knew she should force herself to keep moving, keep living her life but to do that she had to have something to live for, someone to live life with and for, and being alone took all that away. All she could do now was sit and stare at books and photos, mugs and plates…things that held memories of who she was and who she could be again if only she could find a reason.
She hadn’t had a reason for the last week now and the way she had felt for every minute of every day during that week told her that she would never find one either. Was that really who she was though, someone who would be happy just to curl up on this couch in solitude and let her unhappiness take over, destroying every fibre of her being until she could no longer breathe?
It would certainly be the easy way out. But deep down she knew that wasn’t her. She had never taken the easy option out of a difficult situation. She had always taken the option that was right even when it was the one that broke her heart. She had always fought for what she believed was the right option, the right situation too. It was this fighting that had led to her now being alone. That had led to her heart being broken into so many pieces she wasn’t sure if it would ever be able to be put back together.
As the memories of that day flashed before her once again she could feel the tears begin to fall and her world continue to collapse around her. More out of daily routine than desire she allowed herself to stretch out along the couch using one of the cushions for a pillow as she tried to find comfort. She closed her still crying eyes as she wrapped her arms around her body in an attempt to feel loved and wanted although ultimately it was the exhaustion from crying that gave her the sleep she knew she needed.
***
He knew he should be forcing himself to keep moving, keep living his life but to do that he had to have someone next to him to share his life. He had never coped well on his own and right now he was more alone than ever. All he could do was sit and stare at the clothes lying crumpled in various parts of the room, the attempt at making food lying abandoned on the kitchen table and the empty bottles of alcohol in front of him…things that indicated the sort of person he had become in the last ten days.
The sort of person it would be so easy to stay as forever. Locked away in solitude with his emotions and his memories. Memories of who he used to be and who he could be again if he could find a reason. His reason for living though had left ten days ago though and the way he had felt ever since made him think he would never be able to find another reason to live. Could he really just let himself sit he though drowning his sorrow in bottle after bottle of alcohol until his whole being just melted into the couch taking his despair with it?
It would certainly be the easy option out. He had always had a tendency to do that too. Run away as soon as a problem became too big. Or hide behind something or someone and pretend everything was fine. There were only a couple of times that he could remember where he had actually fought for what he believed was the right situation and battled against a breaking heart for it and it was this latest battle that had led him to be in this situation now. Alone. Alone, defeated and with a heart so broken that he believed it was beyond repair.
One thought led to another and before long he could feel tears forging tracks down his cheeks as he replayed the events of that terrible day in his head. Feeling the need to do something he swivelled round and lay back on the couch, feet kicked over one arm and head resting on the other and stared at the ceiling through his tears. Across his chest he clutched a pillow in an attempt to fool himself into thinking he had someone else with him to hold and love although eventually it was the exhaustion from crying that gave him the sleep of which he had been so deprived.
***
As she awoke she felt different. Not better but different. She wanted to get up, she wanted to have something other than these four walls to look at. She still did not want the world to see her but she wanted to be somewhere else. To say she felt positive and upbeat would be misleading. How could she feel positive and upbeat so soon after what she had just been through? Her heart was still broken and she was still tired from the emotion of the last week but something made her want to get up, and the sun that now streamed through the window next to her gave her just enough energy to stand up and slowly make her way to the front door.
Stepping gingerly outside she hoped and prayed that no-one else would see her as she gradually moved further from the house. The house she had not left for the last week. The house in which she had gone from having a life full of joy to a life that was no life at all.
She continued to walk away from the house, not thinking about where she was walking, just walking to somewhere, anywhere. Somewhere else she could be alone.
The park. She couldn’t think of any particular reason why she had ended up here but this was where her legs had managed to take her and as it was empty she decided to make her way over to the nearest bench to rest. She hadn’t walked more than a few steps anywhere in the last week and despite having only been walking a few minutes she could really feel the effect the exertion had had on her weakened body. She was beginning to adjust to the feeling of the fresh air on her body too and if she was honest with herself it was a welcome relief from the increasingly stale smell of the house.
Before she could reach the bench though she saw something, no, someone, out of the corner of her eye.
As she turned her head to see this person she froze. The sun’s warmth suddenly left her and for the first time in a week she had something else to focus on that consumed her every thought.
***
As he awoke he felt different. Not better but different. He wanted to get up and stretch his muscles. He wanted to stare at something other than an empty bottle of alcohol. To say he was feeling positive and upbeat about the new day would be misleading. How could he possibly feel positive and upbeat so soon after what had happened to him? He couldn’t. Especially not with his heart so broken and his body so tired but he wanted a change of scenery. The sunlight that streamed in through the window at that moment gave him just enough energy to pick himself up and leave his flat for the first time in ten days.
He did not want to be seen by anyone and he was thankful that the streets seemed deserted as he walked away from his flat. The flat in which his life had gone from being fulfilled and meaningful to a life that was…that wasn’t life but merely existence. And even that had been a struggle to maintain.
He didn’t think about where he was walking, he just walked. Walked to somewhere else in the world he could be alone. Somewhere, anywhere.
The park. He couldn’t think of any particular reason why he had ended up here but this was where his legs had managed to take him so he decided to find a bench to sit on to rest. He’d barely walked more than a few steps in the last ten days so the 15 minutes or so he must have walked in order to get here was really beginning to take its toll on his weakened body. He was beginning to adjust to the fresh air too and if he was honest with himself it was a welcome relief from the increasingly strong smell of alcohol that had been surrounding him in the flat.
Before he reached the bench though he saw something, no, someone out of the corner of his eye.
As he turned his head towards the person he froze. The warmth of the sun left his body instantly and for the first time in ten days he had something else to focus on that consumed his every thought.
***
She stared in disbelief at the only other person in the whole park. She could not fail to recognise the man standing before her but he was just a shadow of the man she had known for so long. The more she looked at him the more her heart, which she thought could not be broken into any more pieces, did just that.
His clothes were creased, his hair was no longer lying neatly on his head, his eyes were red from tears and his posture was that of a person who had given up. His whole body looked as though it was ready to collapse any minute and as if that was not enough to tell her that he was in trouble the musty smell of clothes that had been worn and slept in for several consecutive days confirmed her thoughts.
***
He stared in disbelief at the only other person in the park. He could not fail to recognise the woman standing before him bet she was only a skeleton of the woman he had known for so long. The more he looked at her the more his heart, which he thought was already broken beyond repair, broke just that little bit more.
Her clothes were creased, her hair no longer full of volume but flat and dull, her eyes red and puffy from tears, remains of make up smudged and her posture that of someone who had not eaten properly for days. Her whole body looked weary and on the verge of collapse. Just to confirm his fears that she was in trouble the smell of musty clothes that had not been changed for several days reached him despite the summer breeze that surrounded them.
***
It took a matter of seconds for each of them to tune into the wavelength of the other. Partly because they had known each other for so many years but partly because it was very easy to feel the emotions of someone else when they are exactly the same as your own.
Without another hesitation they took the few steps forward that closed the gap between their bodies and fell into each other’s embrace.
Standing there together, they cried. Cried for their own pain. Cried for the pain of the other.
As they held each other the warmth that had left each of them both in that park and all those days ago slowly, so slowly began to return.
Their hearts, that had been broken into so many pieces that they thought they were beyond repair, began to rejoin themselves to form a whole.
And the reason for living that they both thought they would never again be able to find was found in that moment in the arms of the other.
~END~
TITLE: Reason for Living
AUTHOR: Brina
EMAIL: PM me
RATING: G
DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere but please ask first
FEEDBACK: Yes please and be honest
DISCLAIMER: No the characters aren’t mine and if they were I wouldn’t put them through this fic!
SPOLIERS: No – I hope we never have to see this on screen.
PAIRINGS/CHARACTERS: Karl and Susan but not really Kusan.
SUMMARY: Coping with the effects of one terrible day.
YEAR: Somewhere around now I think but it could be anytime really.
DATE: 28th April 2007
NOTES: I woke up this morning with a couple of images and a couple of lines in my head. The images were definitely of Karl and Susan and the words related to the situation they were in too. I have no idea what triggered these images and thoughts – maybe subconsciously from fics on here that I re-read yesterday, maybe from the dark places in my head? This fic is the result anyway!
***
She sat alone on the couch, gazing at everything around her but not taking anything in.
Taking in her surroundings would mean accepting her circumstances and that was something she would rather avoid.
She felt dirty and unkempt. Not surprising given the lack of sleep she’d had over the last few days. In fact she’d barely moved from this one spot. She’d tried to eat, tried to drink but only ended up picking at the odd mouthful. She wasn’t hungry anyway. Everything that gave her a hunger and thirst for life had left three days earlier.
***
He sat alone on his couch, gazing at everything around him, but not taking anything in.
Taking in his surroundings would mean accepting his circumstances and that was something he would rather avoid.
He could feel the grease and the dirt accumulate almost by the hour. Not surprising really given his only attempts to pull himself into reality in the last few days had been to splash his face a couple of times with some water from the kitchen tap. It hadn’t worked though. Nothing had. Not even the contents of the now empty bottles of wine and whisky. Why should it? Everything that gave him a thirst for life had left a week earlier.
***
Hour after hour she just sat. Occasionally she stood up and took a closer look at something in the room, but most of all she just sat. Standing required an energy she didn’t have anymore.
As she sat, her hands clasped in her lap, she unconsciously played with her wedding ring. She had often let her fingers wander to the ring in the past not because she felt insecure and needed the reassurance but because it made her smile and reminded her of how lucky and happy she was.
She was not that person now though and reminders like this only served to bring a lump to her throat and the pricking of tears to her eyes.
***
Hour after hour he just sat. Sometimes he stood up to stretch his muscles and joints but most of all he just sat. Standing required an energy he didn’t have anymore.
As he put his empty glass down on the coffee table for the umpteenth time his eyes unconsciously looked to the gold band on the third finger of his left hand but for the first time this week his brain began to compute its meaning. He let his right hand drift over to it and feel the metal as he had done so many times in the past. It should bring a smile to his face and remind him of how lucky he was but instead it did the opposite.
He was not that person anymore and reminders of who he used to be and who he should be only served to make his blood begin to boil with anger, his muscles tense and tears prick the back of his eyes.
***
She knew she should force herself to keep moving, keep living her life but to do that she had to have something to live for, someone to live life with and for, and being alone took all that away. All she could do now was sit and stare at books and photos, mugs and plates…things that held memories of who she was and who she could be again if only she could find a reason.
She hadn’t had a reason for the last week now and the way she had felt for every minute of every day during that week told her that she would never find one either. Was that really who she was though, someone who would be happy just to curl up on this couch in solitude and let her unhappiness take over, destroying every fibre of her being until she could no longer breathe?
It would certainly be the easy way out. But deep down she knew that wasn’t her. She had never taken the easy option out of a difficult situation. She had always taken the option that was right even when it was the one that broke her heart. She had always fought for what she believed was the right option, the right situation too. It was this fighting that had led to her now being alone. That had led to her heart being broken into so many pieces she wasn’t sure if it would ever be able to be put back together.
As the memories of that day flashed before her once again she could feel the tears begin to fall and her world continue to collapse around her. More out of daily routine than desire she allowed herself to stretch out along the couch using one of the cushions for a pillow as she tried to find comfort. She closed her still crying eyes as she wrapped her arms around her body in an attempt to feel loved and wanted although ultimately it was the exhaustion from crying that gave her the sleep she knew she needed.
***
He knew he should be forcing himself to keep moving, keep living his life but to do that he had to have someone next to him to share his life. He had never coped well on his own and right now he was more alone than ever. All he could do was sit and stare at the clothes lying crumpled in various parts of the room, the attempt at making food lying abandoned on the kitchen table and the empty bottles of alcohol in front of him…things that indicated the sort of person he had become in the last ten days.
The sort of person it would be so easy to stay as forever. Locked away in solitude with his emotions and his memories. Memories of who he used to be and who he could be again if he could find a reason. His reason for living though had left ten days ago though and the way he had felt ever since made him think he would never be able to find another reason to live. Could he really just let himself sit he though drowning his sorrow in bottle after bottle of alcohol until his whole being just melted into the couch taking his despair with it?
It would certainly be the easy option out. He had always had a tendency to do that too. Run away as soon as a problem became too big. Or hide behind something or someone and pretend everything was fine. There were only a couple of times that he could remember where he had actually fought for what he believed was the right situation and battled against a breaking heart for it and it was this latest battle that had led him to be in this situation now. Alone. Alone, defeated and with a heart so broken that he believed it was beyond repair.
One thought led to another and before long he could feel tears forging tracks down his cheeks as he replayed the events of that terrible day in his head. Feeling the need to do something he swivelled round and lay back on the couch, feet kicked over one arm and head resting on the other and stared at the ceiling through his tears. Across his chest he clutched a pillow in an attempt to fool himself into thinking he had someone else with him to hold and love although eventually it was the exhaustion from crying that gave him the sleep of which he had been so deprived.
***
As she awoke she felt different. Not better but different. She wanted to get up, she wanted to have something other than these four walls to look at. She still did not want the world to see her but she wanted to be somewhere else. To say she felt positive and upbeat would be misleading. How could she feel positive and upbeat so soon after what she had just been through? Her heart was still broken and she was still tired from the emotion of the last week but something made her want to get up, and the sun that now streamed through the window next to her gave her just enough energy to stand up and slowly make her way to the front door.
Stepping gingerly outside she hoped and prayed that no-one else would see her as she gradually moved further from the house. The house she had not left for the last week. The house in which she had gone from having a life full of joy to a life that was no life at all.
She continued to walk away from the house, not thinking about where she was walking, just walking to somewhere, anywhere. Somewhere else she could be alone.
The park. She couldn’t think of any particular reason why she had ended up here but this was where her legs had managed to take her and as it was empty she decided to make her way over to the nearest bench to rest. She hadn’t walked more than a few steps anywhere in the last week and despite having only been walking a few minutes she could really feel the effect the exertion had had on her weakened body. She was beginning to adjust to the feeling of the fresh air on her body too and if she was honest with herself it was a welcome relief from the increasingly stale smell of the house.
Before she could reach the bench though she saw something, no, someone, out of the corner of her eye.
As she turned her head to see this person she froze. The sun’s warmth suddenly left her and for the first time in a week she had something else to focus on that consumed her every thought.
***
As he awoke he felt different. Not better but different. He wanted to get up and stretch his muscles. He wanted to stare at something other than an empty bottle of alcohol. To say he was feeling positive and upbeat about the new day would be misleading. How could he possibly feel positive and upbeat so soon after what had happened to him? He couldn’t. Especially not with his heart so broken and his body so tired but he wanted a change of scenery. The sunlight that streamed in through the window at that moment gave him just enough energy to pick himself up and leave his flat for the first time in ten days.
He did not want to be seen by anyone and he was thankful that the streets seemed deserted as he walked away from his flat. The flat in which his life had gone from being fulfilled and meaningful to a life that was…that wasn’t life but merely existence. And even that had been a struggle to maintain.
He didn’t think about where he was walking, he just walked. Walked to somewhere else in the world he could be alone. Somewhere, anywhere.
The park. He couldn’t think of any particular reason why he had ended up here but this was where his legs had managed to take him so he decided to find a bench to sit on to rest. He’d barely walked more than a few steps in the last ten days so the 15 minutes or so he must have walked in order to get here was really beginning to take its toll on his weakened body. He was beginning to adjust to the fresh air too and if he was honest with himself it was a welcome relief from the increasingly strong smell of alcohol that had been surrounding him in the flat.
Before he reached the bench though he saw something, no, someone out of the corner of his eye.
As he turned his head towards the person he froze. The warmth of the sun left his body instantly and for the first time in ten days he had something else to focus on that consumed his every thought.
***
She stared in disbelief at the only other person in the whole park. She could not fail to recognise the man standing before her but he was just a shadow of the man she had known for so long. The more she looked at him the more her heart, which she thought could not be broken into any more pieces, did just that.
His clothes were creased, his hair was no longer lying neatly on his head, his eyes were red from tears and his posture was that of a person who had given up. His whole body looked as though it was ready to collapse any minute and as if that was not enough to tell her that he was in trouble the musty smell of clothes that had been worn and slept in for several consecutive days confirmed her thoughts.
***
He stared in disbelief at the only other person in the park. He could not fail to recognise the woman standing before him bet she was only a skeleton of the woman he had known for so long. The more he looked at her the more his heart, which he thought was already broken beyond repair, broke just that little bit more.
Her clothes were creased, her hair no longer full of volume but flat and dull, her eyes red and puffy from tears, remains of make up smudged and her posture that of someone who had not eaten properly for days. Her whole body looked weary and on the verge of collapse. Just to confirm his fears that she was in trouble the smell of musty clothes that had not been changed for several days reached him despite the summer breeze that surrounded them.
***
It took a matter of seconds for each of them to tune into the wavelength of the other. Partly because they had known each other for so many years but partly because it was very easy to feel the emotions of someone else when they are exactly the same as your own.
Without another hesitation they took the few steps forward that closed the gap between their bodies and fell into each other’s embrace.
Standing there together, they cried. Cried for their own pain. Cried for the pain of the other.
As they held each other the warmth that had left each of them both in that park and all those days ago slowly, so slowly began to return.
Their hearts, that had been broken into so many pieces that they thought they were beyond repair, began to rejoin themselves to form a whole.
And the reason for living that they both thought they would never again be able to find was found in that moment in the arms of the other.
~END~
