Post by Liz on Jun 11, 2006 17:18:27 GMT -5
TITLE: Changes Ahead
AUTHOR: Lizzie
RATING: Suitable for all
PAIRING: None, Hints of K/S
YEAR: 2006
SPOILERS: Yes
SUMMARY: Karl's feelings about his father's illness
I wish I could stop crying. I wish I could actually be a use and help my father through this, yet here I am lying in the spare room in my father's house. Susan's still at the home with Dad. God, why aren't I there? Why have I left the hard work to Susan yet again? I'm just pathetic. I've never been able to deal with things like this, I am a weak man. And this is even worse, feeling sorry for myself. Just shut up Karl, just shut up. But I can't. All these feelings and thoughts are in me and I just don't know what to do with them. I just don't know.
Susan told me to come back here tonight. She said I looked tired, that I'd done a lot for my father. But how can that be true? All I've done is come up here and looked for a home for him. That isn't exactly hard work. It should be me with Tom right now, it should be me that is comforting him. He really needs that at this moment in time. I know he's hurting over losing his home. He's lived there most of his life and he probably never imagined having to leave it. I never imagined he would have to either. But then I never imagined he would get dementia. And I don't really know what that is. I am a doctor but I only know the medicial definition for it and how to help with it. I can't cure it, I can't make him better and I can't take him back to his real home. That is what he wants most but I can't give it to him, nor can Susan.
I should stop crying. It's not me going through this, it's my father. If anyone has the right to cry, it is Dad. But he's never been one for that, he says it's weak and thinks it's even worse if a man cries. Dad believes that men should be the strong ones, the providers for the family. He believes in the old Soviet beliefs and adheres to traditional family beliefs. And as much as I hated that when I was growing up, I can see now that it is his belief and I can't change that. I should respect his beliefs like he does mine now. Dad has always respected me, I have just chosen to ignore that. We've had our rows and yes he can be the most irritating man in the entire world but the truth is....he is my dad. He brought me up, he made me the man I am today. I'm not really sure if I should be proud of who I am but at least my father has got me to this place. It is only now that I can see how much my father did for me. It's funny how illness makes everyone grow closer to the said person. It could be just fear of losing them. But then if it is fear of losing them, doesn't it prove that we love that person?
I never used to believe I loved my father. When I told him I wanted to be a Doctor, he looked at me with what I believed then to be contempt. Father always believed that I should go into politics. As the Kennedy's only child, he expected the tradition to follow through. But I disappointed him by telling him I wanted to save lives, I wanted to make a difference to people's lives. I felt that it was helping the country as much as being a politician or a minister would. And I still believe that today. I have never once regretted my decision to be a doctor and I think my dad has slowly come round to the idea although he still badgers me from time to time about politics. I know now that my Dad does love me, I can see it even in the way he goes on at me at times and the way that he bonds with my children especially Libby. Those two have always been close and sometimes I have resented that fact. I'm ashamed to admit that.
My father was deeply disappointed when I left Susan a couple of years ago. He said and I quote "You are a disgrace to the Kennedy name." He was right. Two years ago, I didn't believe so. I felt no one could understand how I was feeling at the time, least of all my father and of course Susan. It took me two years of believing wicked lies from Isabelle Hoyland that made me see sense. I have loathed myself over these past couple of years and when I look back at some of my actions, I barely recognise myself. Who is this cold hearted man that could so cruelly disregard Susan's feelings like that? Who was this idiot that was taken in by Isabelle's lies? All of these actions just prove to me now that I was a disgrace. A complete and utter disgrace. I only hope now that I have become a better man. I think I have. Susan recently told me that I was a good man and I was moved. How could she believe that after all that I have done? It is one of the many reasons why...why I still love her.
I told my father weeks ago that I still loved Susan and he responded in his typical fashion "Even I could have told you that Karl." Through his sarcasm and his biting words, I could see his concern for me. Dad will never actually voice his actual feelings, instead he likes to mask his feelings well. I can see where I get that trait from. However I mask my feelings in alcohol. It's not so much now but when things get really rough then I will instinctively reach for a bottle. I know that perhaps I ought to seek help once and for all but I've never been too fond of professional help and father is skeptical about it too. He always has been and this is why he hates being in that dreaded home. Nurses swarm about, asking if he is okay and I wouldn't blame him if he felt like knocking one of them out. However these Nurses can help him, they can take care of him in a way neither I or Susan could. If I'm being honest, having him in there is the best place for him. I struggled when I had to make this decision. I was torn in two and I still am, after all it was only days ago. I knew he wouldn't like it but if I wanted to save him, this had to be done. Susan explained this to me before I made the decision to put my dad in a nursing home. I remember just breaking down as I heard the doctor's advice, thankfully Susan was there to support me. I'm so grateful for everything she has done for me and it has only strengthend my love for her.
What am I still doing here? I should go, I should go back to the home and I should talk to my father in a way that I have never done before. I think that I owe him that much at least and we both need piece within ourselves before we can accept these changes in our lives.
AUTHOR: Lizzie
RATING: Suitable for all
PAIRING: None, Hints of K/S
YEAR: 2006
SPOILERS: Yes
SUMMARY: Karl's feelings about his father's illness
I wish I could stop crying. I wish I could actually be a use and help my father through this, yet here I am lying in the spare room in my father's house. Susan's still at the home with Dad. God, why aren't I there? Why have I left the hard work to Susan yet again? I'm just pathetic. I've never been able to deal with things like this, I am a weak man. And this is even worse, feeling sorry for myself. Just shut up Karl, just shut up. But I can't. All these feelings and thoughts are in me and I just don't know what to do with them. I just don't know.
Susan told me to come back here tonight. She said I looked tired, that I'd done a lot for my father. But how can that be true? All I've done is come up here and looked for a home for him. That isn't exactly hard work. It should be me with Tom right now, it should be me that is comforting him. He really needs that at this moment in time. I know he's hurting over losing his home. He's lived there most of his life and he probably never imagined having to leave it. I never imagined he would have to either. But then I never imagined he would get dementia. And I don't really know what that is. I am a doctor but I only know the medicial definition for it and how to help with it. I can't cure it, I can't make him better and I can't take him back to his real home. That is what he wants most but I can't give it to him, nor can Susan.
I should stop crying. It's not me going through this, it's my father. If anyone has the right to cry, it is Dad. But he's never been one for that, he says it's weak and thinks it's even worse if a man cries. Dad believes that men should be the strong ones, the providers for the family. He believes in the old Soviet beliefs and adheres to traditional family beliefs. And as much as I hated that when I was growing up, I can see now that it is his belief and I can't change that. I should respect his beliefs like he does mine now. Dad has always respected me, I have just chosen to ignore that. We've had our rows and yes he can be the most irritating man in the entire world but the truth is....he is my dad. He brought me up, he made me the man I am today. I'm not really sure if I should be proud of who I am but at least my father has got me to this place. It is only now that I can see how much my father did for me. It's funny how illness makes everyone grow closer to the said person. It could be just fear of losing them. But then if it is fear of losing them, doesn't it prove that we love that person?
I never used to believe I loved my father. When I told him I wanted to be a Doctor, he looked at me with what I believed then to be contempt. Father always believed that I should go into politics. As the Kennedy's only child, he expected the tradition to follow through. But I disappointed him by telling him I wanted to save lives, I wanted to make a difference to people's lives. I felt that it was helping the country as much as being a politician or a minister would. And I still believe that today. I have never once regretted my decision to be a doctor and I think my dad has slowly come round to the idea although he still badgers me from time to time about politics. I know now that my Dad does love me, I can see it even in the way he goes on at me at times and the way that he bonds with my children especially Libby. Those two have always been close and sometimes I have resented that fact. I'm ashamed to admit that.
My father was deeply disappointed when I left Susan a couple of years ago. He said and I quote "You are a disgrace to the Kennedy name." He was right. Two years ago, I didn't believe so. I felt no one could understand how I was feeling at the time, least of all my father and of course Susan. It took me two years of believing wicked lies from Isabelle Hoyland that made me see sense. I have loathed myself over these past couple of years and when I look back at some of my actions, I barely recognise myself. Who is this cold hearted man that could so cruelly disregard Susan's feelings like that? Who was this idiot that was taken in by Isabelle's lies? All of these actions just prove to me now that I was a disgrace. A complete and utter disgrace. I only hope now that I have become a better man. I think I have. Susan recently told me that I was a good man and I was moved. How could she believe that after all that I have done? It is one of the many reasons why...why I still love her.
I told my father weeks ago that I still loved Susan and he responded in his typical fashion "Even I could have told you that Karl." Through his sarcasm and his biting words, I could see his concern for me. Dad will never actually voice his actual feelings, instead he likes to mask his feelings well. I can see where I get that trait from. However I mask my feelings in alcohol. It's not so much now but when things get really rough then I will instinctively reach for a bottle. I know that perhaps I ought to seek help once and for all but I've never been too fond of professional help and father is skeptical about it too. He always has been and this is why he hates being in that dreaded home. Nurses swarm about, asking if he is okay and I wouldn't blame him if he felt like knocking one of them out. However these Nurses can help him, they can take care of him in a way neither I or Susan could. If I'm being honest, having him in there is the best place for him. I struggled when I had to make this decision. I was torn in two and I still am, after all it was only days ago. I knew he wouldn't like it but if I wanted to save him, this had to be done. Susan explained this to me before I made the decision to put my dad in a nursing home. I remember just breaking down as I heard the doctor's advice, thankfully Susan was there to support me. I'm so grateful for everything she has done for me and it has only strengthend my love for her.
What am I still doing here? I should go, I should go back to the home and I should talk to my father in a way that I have never done before. I think that I owe him that much at least and we both need piece within ourselves before we can accept these changes in our lives.
