Post by Liz on Dec 30, 2005 9:52:30 GMT -5
TITLE: Fool For Love
AUTHOR: Lizzie
RATING:PG
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters unfortunately
SPOILERS: None
YEAR: 2005
PAIRING: Karl/Susan...what else?
I’m so tired. Tired of being here, tired of feeling like this. My body aches and as I lie here in this god forsaken hospital bed, I wonder not the first time why I survived. I’m a 50 year old man, my body is weak now. People over 48 are less likely to survive heart attacks. I don’t know that for certain but it’s something I believe. I look down at the tubes on my arms, connected to machines in the room. As a doctor, I know what they are for. I know every little sound the machines make. I’ve seen many people lie here like me.
The walls are drab, the room seems to be devoid of colour. Hospitals are always like this, empty and emotionless. I hate it. I hate being here. I hate my body. I can feel it hurting again and I groan in agony. But there’s no one in the room to hear me. They are elsewhere, it’s just me and the pain. And as quickly as the pain came, it goes again and I’m back to feeling nothing and feeling like a fool. I am a fool. I expect when I die that will be on my gravestone. Karl Kennedy, beloved husband, father and a fool. The word sums up my life. You see, now I’ve suffered my heart attack, I can see things clearer and I can see just what a mess I’ve made of my life and how much I’ve hurt people.
Susan. God, how I’ve hurt her. In all of my life, I don’t think I’ve treated anyone as badly as I have treated her. If people saw us now, no one would ever guess we had been married once by the way I’ve behaved. I broke her heart, I walked out on her. I told her I was having a child with Isabelle. Time and time again, her heart broke and I never even considered it. I knew it would hurt her, of course I did and I tried to be gentle telling her these things but never did I even consider her feelings. I’m selfish, always have been and I guess I always will be. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, this is just the truth. And now I know I love her. It took me a heart attack to realise this. It shouldn’t have done. I love her and I will never get her back. I don’t deserve her, never have. That is something I am going to have to deal with.
Isabelle. Well what words can I say about her? I know her true colours now. I know how manipulative she is. Just before my heart attack, we broke up. I finally saw her for what she really is. Izzy had the cheek to accuse me of sleeping with Susan. I suppose it must have looked that way because Susan offered me the couch to sleep on as Isabelle had kicked me out over a little argument. And I wanted to sleep with Susan. I came to her door in the middle of the night and she knew. And I didn’t even stop to think how it would affect her. It was all about me as usual. What I wanted, not what she wanted.
I hate it, I hate myself. I look in anger at the tubes keeping me stable…and it suddenly seems clear. What’s the point of living? I can just rip the tubes out and let myself go. Oh it seems so simple. But then is it? If I do this, I am taking the easy way out, I am being selfish. It would hurt my family, or what’s left of it. Susan would never forgive me. Perhaps I shouldn’t. The machine beeps again. I can feel my self loathing consume me. My blood boils and in a fit of anger, I shove the magazines off the bed, one of them aptly titled ‘Get Lost’. I can hear myself swear. If I’m not careful I will have another heart attack. Part of me wants that. Like I said, it would be so easy to just die. That way I wouldn’t cause anyone anymore pain. Let’s be honest here, who the hell would miss me apart from Susan and the kids?
The kids. Oh god, what am I doing? How can I be like this? I have to live, I have to live for Susan and my children. If I did this to them, they would be devastated and I know they’d never ever forgive me. So my choice is made, this way I’m actually not being self involved for once.
Tears. I feel them on my cheek. Am I crying? I think I am. What am I crying for? Susan, the children…my 30 years of marriage. Everything I had but lost. Am I crying for Susan? I think I must be. I see her these days, so strong and independent and yet I wonder…I wonder if it’s a front. To guard herself of the hurt she may still feel. I know she has moved on, of course she has, why wouldn’t she? She is so brave…so strong…and yet grows ever more beautiful. My beautiful Susan. I let myself cry. It is painful and my chest hurts but what else can I do? I’m just so tired. It is at that point the door opens. I don’t look, I can’t…everything aches.
“Karl.” That soft voice, that gorgeous voice calls me to me and I know. It’s Susan. Do I want to look? How can I not? I turn slowly to face her and she is breathtaking. Her hair is perfect, she is dressed in a lovely white fitted blouse and grey trousers, a necklace adorns her neck and I can smell her perfume, so familiar to me. Her expression is one of worry and it only makes me cry harder.
“Karl, Karl, what’s wrong?” She speaks softly, lovingly to me as she sits in the chair beside my bed.
I look at her, it’s all I can do. Suddenly I feel her take hold of my hand.
“It will be all right love, it will.” She tells me. “I know you hate it in here but it’s important you get better you know that.”
“I…am a fool.” I manage to get out, I want to convey everything I’m feeling to her but the tears and fear stop me. It is all I can manage for the moment.
“Oh Karl, why do you think that?” Susan asks. “It’s not your fault that Isabelle is that manipulative.”
“Not…what I mean.” I respond tearfully. “Susan, I know this probably means nothing to you but I am so sorry. I am sorry for all the hurt and grief I have caused. At the end, that’s all I can offer. I know words aren’t enough, they never are.”
Susan looks down for a minute, I watch her, knowing that I deserve her hatred, not her friendship. But then she looks up and smiles at me.
“It does mean something to me Karl, it means a lot.” She speaks. “And do you know what you can do for me?”
“What?” I want to know. I would do anything for her, anything to make up for the hurt and loss over the past year.
“You can get better.” Susan answers and then surprisingly kisses my forehead. Her kiss is tender and soft and I love it. For the first time, I think I can promise that I will get better. Susan’s friendship is worth that, more in fact. I gaze at her and we both smile at each other, I think we have reached a new understanding towards each other. I hope so.
Karl died a few days after. He suffered another heart attack. I’m sitting here, reading through his diary that he kept and I can’t stop crying. My family are all here, we are all trying to come to terms with the loss but it seems impossible. Libby, Billy and Mal try to comfort me as best they can but they know. They know I will never get over this, not completely. You see Karl Kennedy was the love of my life and I suspect he always will be. He hurt me over and over again but I never stopped loving him. He was and is my weakness.
The future is scarier now then ever, I don’t know what it holds for me but I hope that where ever Karl is…I hope….I hope he is happy. Rest now my love, I will see you soon xxx