Post by mimms on May 28, 2005 14:03:06 GMT -5
Please note that this was written prior to episode 4678 airing.
TITLE: Thinking of him, thinking of me
AUTHOR: Mimms
RATING: G
DISTRIBUTION: Here
FEEDBACK: Would be greatly appreciated via PM or this thread
DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine but I'm grateful for them anyway
SUMMARY: “He opens the door, and there it is. That moment.”
PAIRING: Karl/Susan
CHARACTERS: Susan, Karl
YEAR: 2005
SPOILERS: None
DATE: 09 March 2005
It’s been three months since his heart attack; two and a half months since he ended his relationship with Isabelle. Three months since he called me from a lonely road; two and a half months since he came to the house in tears, scared about the future. Two and a half months since he said he still loved me.
Two and half months since I told him to leave.
***
The house is quiet today. The boys are out with Janelle for the day, Sindi is on a romantic weekend away with Stuart – even Dahl is away at the vets since he flew into the kitchen window three days ago. I don’t have peace in this house very often, and part of me longs for the days like this one, where I can be alone, I can just be.
I can be who I want to be when I’m alone. No pressure to be someone I don’t feel. No expectation to be someone who people believe me to be. I can be me, Susan…
Mrs? Miss? Ms? Smith?
Kennedy?
I’m not even sure if I know who I am anymore.
***
My favourite tune is playing when there’s a knock at the door. I don’t want to let the outside world in right now; I’m happy here, behind this door, behind these walls. My heart is happy here. But the world outside is still waiting, and still knocking, and I reluctantly get up from the sofa.
“Karl.”
“Hi.”
“Hello.”
Not today, Karl. Please not today.
“You look well – you’ve had your hair cut again.”
“Yes.”
I look at him.
“How are you?”
“I’m good, I’ve….I’ve been away, for a while.”
“I know.”
“Of course.”
I know him. He’s going to ask to come in and I don’t know what I’m going to say to that.
“Can I come in? Is now a good time?”
It’s never a good time for us, Karl. It’s never a good time for me any more. Can’t you see that?
“Sure – come in.”
My heart betrays me every time.
***
“Everyone’s out?”
“Yes – the boys are with Janelle, Sindi’s gone away with Stuart. Romantic get-away…”
“Right.”
“Oh – Dahl’s at the vets.”
What happened?”
“Flew into the window.”
“Wing?”
“Beak.”
We smile. My mind is telling me to stay behind these walls but my heart misses this, misses us.
Karl.
I miss you.
***
We settle on the sofa with some coffee. He’s looking relaxed, looking well.
“You look like you’ve made a good recovery.”
“Yes – the countryside obviously agrees with me.”
“Yes.”
I feel awkward, stilted and very uncomfortable. I know him. I know Karl. I know where he’s taking this conversation and I’m not ready, I’m not prepared to say the words.
“Libby called this morning.”
“How is she?”
“She’s good – she might bring Ben down for a few days next week. I’ll tell her you’re back – Ben would love to see you.”
“I’m not sure Libby will want to see me.”
He’s right.
“You’re her father, Karl. She was worried about you when she knew what had happened.”
“She didn’t call.”
“You were in hospital for 10 days and left town three days later. She didn’t get much of a chance”
“I suppose so.”
His eyes are needy and I can’t look at him. I can’t do this, Karl. My heart can’t do this. Not again.
“Susan…”
“Karl…”
“Sorry – you go first.”
I take a deep breath. I have to say this right; I have to say this well.
“I can’t do this now.”
He looks at me, unspeaking.
“I can’t have this conversation with you again. I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t say anything but I can read him. I know him. I know Karl. He’s going to ask why, and if I’ll ever talk about this, and then he’ll leave and promise that if I want to talk he’ll be there.
“Will you ever be able to have this conversation, Susan?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why?”
Fear grabs me and I can’t speak, so I put my hand over my heart and I know he understands.
“I’ll leave you alone.”
He gets up and makes his way to the door.
“If you’re ever ready to talk…”
He opens the door, and there it is. That moment. Tiny. Insignificant. Meaningless to anyone else. This moment isn’t spectacular. It isn’t life-defining. It isn’t glorious or magnificent or beautiful, but it’s there. He isn’t even looking at me, facing me, speaking to me. He’s opening the door. And I know him. I know Karl.
He’s opening the door, and I’m looking at him, and he knows I’m thinking of him, thinking of me…
I don’t move my hand from my heart and I take a deep breath.
***
“I was thinking a lot whilst I was away. Thinking of my life. It’s amazing what it does to you…”
His voice peters out momentarily.
“I’ve dealt with patients for years who have had life-threatening conditions. Heart attacks, cancer, tumours, blood disorders – I’ve dealt with them and I’ve been sympathetic and understanding and said all the things I’m supposed to… But I never understood how it really feels. Your life on the line. How much it really matters – how much your life and how you’ve lived it really matters.”
I stay quiet.
“When I collapsed, I had the option. Call Isabelle, call an ambulance, call you. I called you. How ridiculous is that? I didn’t even call an ambulance. In seconds, I knew I had no time, and rather than call an ambulance I wanted to make sure you knew, that I’d spoken to you, told you what I wanted you to know. My life was on the line and the most important thing to me in that moment was that I spoke to you and said sorry. Nothing else was more important to me.”
“Well next time have the common sense to call an ambulance, would you?”
Do you know how much you scared me, Karl, calling from the road?
He smiles.
“I’ve spent the last ten weeks thinking. Away from here, away from family and friends, and just thinking about my life. About what I want. What I had. Where I am now.”
I can see it coming, and the panic rises in me because I can’t tell him, I can’t tell him what he wants to hear. My heart can’t do this.
“I need to know, Susan.”
“Need to know what?”
“I need to know what I did to you.”
“Did to me?”
“How I made you feel.”
I feel sick, Karl. Sick.
“Susan?”
“Excuse me.”
I run to the bathroom.
***
I’m crouched on the bathroom floor next to the basin, my eyes closed and my hand over my stomach. He’s knocking on the door of the bathroom this time. I want to stay here behind these walls but he’s still knocking and he’ll be asking how I am.
“Susan – are you alright?”
If I close my eyes can anyone else see me?
“Susan?”
If I keep one my hand over my heart and the other over my eyes will it go away, Karl?
Will any of this ever, ever go away?
***
“I’m sorry about that.”
“It’s okay.”
He looks at me and I can see in his eyes that he’s laying himself open. Open to me. Open to my heart. Don’t bare your soul to me, Karl. Don’t show me everything I want to see. Don’t offer my heart something it knows it can’t have.
“I’m sorry I upset you – if you’re not ready to talk about this…”
“We need to talk about it, don’t we? It’s not going to go away.”
“No.”
Silence.
I don’t know if I can start the conversation because tears are already pricking the back of my eyes and I don’t want to be this open with him.
I cried a few times with Lyn. I cried once with Libby. I cried once with Tom. I shouted at Isabelle, even yelled at Karl in the street once before.
But I’ve never told anyone how Karl made me feel. What thirty years of hopeless love and devoted friendship and three children and intimacy beyond anything I’d ever…
I never told anyone what taking that away from me did to me. What it did to my heart.
I never told anyone.
***
“It’s not easy to put into words, Karl.”
“I know. I know this is hard for you and I know it’s my fault.”
“Karl…”
“It is my fault.”
I look down and I know I won’t be able to raise my voice above a whisper.
“You can’t help it if you fall out of love with someone. It’s not deliberate.”
Silence.
“Maybe. But I didn’t consider you enough. I didn’t think about my actions, the implications on you, on the kids. I certainly didn’t think about the effect of my relationship with Izzy…”
“I know you weren’t having an affair with her. I believe that.”
“No, I wasn’t…”
“Even you wouldn’t do that twice.”
He speaks quietly.
“Sarah.”
I don’t respond.
Sarah never went away, did she, Karl? She never left our lives, not really. She returns every now and then, young and beautiful. Sarah, Isabelle, both young and beautiful.
He still hasn’t said anything so I look up at him. He’s sitting so close to me, looking at me directly, right into my eyes, my heart. I take a sudden breath as we connect again, that bond I thought had gone, that need. And I know him, I know Karl. He’s going to say he’s sorry and, my god, he means it. He truly means it. He’s sorry. His heart is sorry.
“I’m sorry, Susan.”
Don’t say it, Karl. Don’t mean it. It’s easier to be angry with you. It’s easier to resent you. It’s easier to live with my heart behind these walls.
“I’m so very sorry.”
And I break.
***
Don’t pity me, Karl. I’ve done alright without you. I’ve rebuilt my life, I’ve rebuilt these walls. I’ve tried to rebuild my heart. Don’t pity my tears, Karl. Don’t think they’re for you.
***
He sits, quiet and patient as my tears fall. I don’t make a sound and he doesn’t attempt to comfort me. He needs to know and I want to tell him. I don’t want to be bitter or angry or resentful, but he needs to know what he did to me. Thirty years of marriage, intimacy…destroyed, wasted on a woman who’s old and tired now.
I know the tears won’t stop but I can tell him. He’s seen me hurt and upset before. He’s seen me in ways that no-one else has. I can do this.
Tears choke my eyes, my throat, my heart. I can whisper. I can tell him.
“You broke my heart, Karl. You left me alone and you broke my heart.”
A sob breaks out and I honestly don’t know if it was from me or from him.
***
“I was beautiful when I was with you, and now I can’t remember….I can’t remember what that feels like.”
Do you know what it’s like to not be able to look in the mirror anymore for fear of what you’ll see, Karl? I see Sarah. I see Isabelle. I see me standing next to them and I know why you left.
“I can’t remember being without you. I can’t remember a time when part of me wasn’t with you. I can’t remember when you weren’t my heart.”
Can you understand this, Karl? Can you understand what this did to me? You ripped me apart and you took something away from me that I can never, ever reclaim. I’m not whole anymore, you see, I can’t leave you completely. You never left me completely.
“I didn’t think it was possible for anyone to break me; I didn’t think I would ever be someone who could be so destroyed…”
My voice is barely a whisper, and the tears won’t stop.
“You broke me. And I don’t know how to make that better. I don’t know how to stop it from hurting. I can’t stop it hurting.”
He’s crying now, I can hear him. He pulls me close, my head against his, his heart against mine. I never thought it would be Karl I’d tell this to. I never thought it would be Karl I’d cry to about this.
I never even knew I could cry like this.
***
I open my eyes. An age has passed but I’m still here, my head against his, his heart against mine. I’m clinging to him, my lifeline.
Lyn thinks I’m a fool. Libby too. That I should be proud. I should be dignified and move on. I should tell him to leave, tell him no, tell him that I don’t need him. That to have any dignity I should turn and walk away, for the rest of my life.
For the rest of my life.
He could have died.
***
I am proud. I’m proud that I have managed to survive when so many days I’ve hidden behind these walls. I’m proud that I’ve gone to work everyday. I’m proud that I’ve kept smiling, and I’ve tried new things, and I’ve been civil to Karl, and I’ve kept going.
I am dignified. I haven’t taken revenge on Isabelle. I haven’t refused to talk to Karl. I haven’t been petty, I haven’t demanded everything from the divorce, I’ve been fair, I’ve held my head high and I’ve wished them well. I have my dignity.
I’m proud and I’m dignified because I did all those things when so many days I wanted to close my eyes and wish my heart away.
I’m not weak for still loving a man who is my best friend, my lover and my soulmate of thirty years.
It doesn’t make me weak.
It makes me the strongest person I know.
***
“Are you okay?”
His voice is quiet and calm, and he speaks with genuine concern.
“No.”
I’m not. I’m not okay, Karl. I want my life the way it was. I want you back. I want you here. It will take time, Karl, but I want you here.
“What can I do?”
Leave, Karl, walk away, let me hide here and cry and pretend everything’s alright.
“Stay.”
My heart. Every time.
END.
TITLE: Thinking of him, thinking of me
AUTHOR: Mimms
RATING: G
DISTRIBUTION: Here
FEEDBACK: Would be greatly appreciated via PM or this thread
DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine but I'm grateful for them anyway
SUMMARY: “He opens the door, and there it is. That moment.”
PAIRING: Karl/Susan
CHARACTERS: Susan, Karl
YEAR: 2005
SPOILERS: None
DATE: 09 March 2005
It’s been three months since his heart attack; two and a half months since he ended his relationship with Isabelle. Three months since he called me from a lonely road; two and a half months since he came to the house in tears, scared about the future. Two and a half months since he said he still loved me.
Two and half months since I told him to leave.
***
The house is quiet today. The boys are out with Janelle for the day, Sindi is on a romantic weekend away with Stuart – even Dahl is away at the vets since he flew into the kitchen window three days ago. I don’t have peace in this house very often, and part of me longs for the days like this one, where I can be alone, I can just be.
I can be who I want to be when I’m alone. No pressure to be someone I don’t feel. No expectation to be someone who people believe me to be. I can be me, Susan…
Mrs? Miss? Ms? Smith?
Kennedy?
I’m not even sure if I know who I am anymore.
***
My favourite tune is playing when there’s a knock at the door. I don’t want to let the outside world in right now; I’m happy here, behind this door, behind these walls. My heart is happy here. But the world outside is still waiting, and still knocking, and I reluctantly get up from the sofa.
“Karl.”
“Hi.”
“Hello.”
Not today, Karl. Please not today.
“You look well – you’ve had your hair cut again.”
“Yes.”
I look at him.
“How are you?”
“I’m good, I’ve….I’ve been away, for a while.”
“I know.”
“Of course.”
I know him. He’s going to ask to come in and I don’t know what I’m going to say to that.
“Can I come in? Is now a good time?”
It’s never a good time for us, Karl. It’s never a good time for me any more. Can’t you see that?
“Sure – come in.”
My heart betrays me every time.
***
“Everyone’s out?”
“Yes – the boys are with Janelle, Sindi’s gone away with Stuart. Romantic get-away…”
“Right.”
“Oh – Dahl’s at the vets.”
What happened?”
“Flew into the window.”
“Wing?”
“Beak.”
We smile. My mind is telling me to stay behind these walls but my heart misses this, misses us.
Karl.
I miss you.
***
We settle on the sofa with some coffee. He’s looking relaxed, looking well.
“You look like you’ve made a good recovery.”
“Yes – the countryside obviously agrees with me.”
“Yes.”
I feel awkward, stilted and very uncomfortable. I know him. I know Karl. I know where he’s taking this conversation and I’m not ready, I’m not prepared to say the words.
“Libby called this morning.”
“How is she?”
“She’s good – she might bring Ben down for a few days next week. I’ll tell her you’re back – Ben would love to see you.”
“I’m not sure Libby will want to see me.”
He’s right.
“You’re her father, Karl. She was worried about you when she knew what had happened.”
“She didn’t call.”
“You were in hospital for 10 days and left town three days later. She didn’t get much of a chance”
“I suppose so.”
His eyes are needy and I can’t look at him. I can’t do this, Karl. My heart can’t do this. Not again.
“Susan…”
“Karl…”
“Sorry – you go first.”
I take a deep breath. I have to say this right; I have to say this well.
“I can’t do this now.”
He looks at me, unspeaking.
“I can’t have this conversation with you again. I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t say anything but I can read him. I know him. I know Karl. He’s going to ask why, and if I’ll ever talk about this, and then he’ll leave and promise that if I want to talk he’ll be there.
“Will you ever be able to have this conversation, Susan?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why?”
Fear grabs me and I can’t speak, so I put my hand over my heart and I know he understands.
“I’ll leave you alone.”
He gets up and makes his way to the door.
“If you’re ever ready to talk…”
He opens the door, and there it is. That moment. Tiny. Insignificant. Meaningless to anyone else. This moment isn’t spectacular. It isn’t life-defining. It isn’t glorious or magnificent or beautiful, but it’s there. He isn’t even looking at me, facing me, speaking to me. He’s opening the door. And I know him. I know Karl.
He’s opening the door, and I’m looking at him, and he knows I’m thinking of him, thinking of me…
I don’t move my hand from my heart and I take a deep breath.
***
“I was thinking a lot whilst I was away. Thinking of my life. It’s amazing what it does to you…”
His voice peters out momentarily.
“I’ve dealt with patients for years who have had life-threatening conditions. Heart attacks, cancer, tumours, blood disorders – I’ve dealt with them and I’ve been sympathetic and understanding and said all the things I’m supposed to… But I never understood how it really feels. Your life on the line. How much it really matters – how much your life and how you’ve lived it really matters.”
I stay quiet.
“When I collapsed, I had the option. Call Isabelle, call an ambulance, call you. I called you. How ridiculous is that? I didn’t even call an ambulance. In seconds, I knew I had no time, and rather than call an ambulance I wanted to make sure you knew, that I’d spoken to you, told you what I wanted you to know. My life was on the line and the most important thing to me in that moment was that I spoke to you and said sorry. Nothing else was more important to me.”
“Well next time have the common sense to call an ambulance, would you?”
Do you know how much you scared me, Karl, calling from the road?
He smiles.
“I’ve spent the last ten weeks thinking. Away from here, away from family and friends, and just thinking about my life. About what I want. What I had. Where I am now.”
I can see it coming, and the panic rises in me because I can’t tell him, I can’t tell him what he wants to hear. My heart can’t do this.
“I need to know, Susan.”
“Need to know what?”
“I need to know what I did to you.”
“Did to me?”
“How I made you feel.”
I feel sick, Karl. Sick.
“Susan?”
“Excuse me.”
I run to the bathroom.
***
I’m crouched on the bathroom floor next to the basin, my eyes closed and my hand over my stomach. He’s knocking on the door of the bathroom this time. I want to stay here behind these walls but he’s still knocking and he’ll be asking how I am.
“Susan – are you alright?”
If I close my eyes can anyone else see me?
“Susan?”
If I keep one my hand over my heart and the other over my eyes will it go away, Karl?
Will any of this ever, ever go away?
***
“I’m sorry about that.”
“It’s okay.”
He looks at me and I can see in his eyes that he’s laying himself open. Open to me. Open to my heart. Don’t bare your soul to me, Karl. Don’t show me everything I want to see. Don’t offer my heart something it knows it can’t have.
“I’m sorry I upset you – if you’re not ready to talk about this…”
“We need to talk about it, don’t we? It’s not going to go away.”
“No.”
Silence.
I don’t know if I can start the conversation because tears are already pricking the back of my eyes and I don’t want to be this open with him.
I cried a few times with Lyn. I cried once with Libby. I cried once with Tom. I shouted at Isabelle, even yelled at Karl in the street once before.
But I’ve never told anyone how Karl made me feel. What thirty years of hopeless love and devoted friendship and three children and intimacy beyond anything I’d ever…
I never told anyone what taking that away from me did to me. What it did to my heart.
I never told anyone.
***
“It’s not easy to put into words, Karl.”
“I know. I know this is hard for you and I know it’s my fault.”
“Karl…”
“It is my fault.”
I look down and I know I won’t be able to raise my voice above a whisper.
“You can’t help it if you fall out of love with someone. It’s not deliberate.”
Silence.
“Maybe. But I didn’t consider you enough. I didn’t think about my actions, the implications on you, on the kids. I certainly didn’t think about the effect of my relationship with Izzy…”
“I know you weren’t having an affair with her. I believe that.”
“No, I wasn’t…”
“Even you wouldn’t do that twice.”
He speaks quietly.
“Sarah.”
I don’t respond.
Sarah never went away, did she, Karl? She never left our lives, not really. She returns every now and then, young and beautiful. Sarah, Isabelle, both young and beautiful.
He still hasn’t said anything so I look up at him. He’s sitting so close to me, looking at me directly, right into my eyes, my heart. I take a sudden breath as we connect again, that bond I thought had gone, that need. And I know him, I know Karl. He’s going to say he’s sorry and, my god, he means it. He truly means it. He’s sorry. His heart is sorry.
“I’m sorry, Susan.”
Don’t say it, Karl. Don’t mean it. It’s easier to be angry with you. It’s easier to resent you. It’s easier to live with my heart behind these walls.
“I’m so very sorry.”
And I break.
***
Don’t pity me, Karl. I’ve done alright without you. I’ve rebuilt my life, I’ve rebuilt these walls. I’ve tried to rebuild my heart. Don’t pity my tears, Karl. Don’t think they’re for you.
***
He sits, quiet and patient as my tears fall. I don’t make a sound and he doesn’t attempt to comfort me. He needs to know and I want to tell him. I don’t want to be bitter or angry or resentful, but he needs to know what he did to me. Thirty years of marriage, intimacy…destroyed, wasted on a woman who’s old and tired now.
I know the tears won’t stop but I can tell him. He’s seen me hurt and upset before. He’s seen me in ways that no-one else has. I can do this.
Tears choke my eyes, my throat, my heart. I can whisper. I can tell him.
“You broke my heart, Karl. You left me alone and you broke my heart.”
A sob breaks out and I honestly don’t know if it was from me or from him.
***
“I was beautiful when I was with you, and now I can’t remember….I can’t remember what that feels like.”
Do you know what it’s like to not be able to look in the mirror anymore for fear of what you’ll see, Karl? I see Sarah. I see Isabelle. I see me standing next to them and I know why you left.
“I can’t remember being without you. I can’t remember a time when part of me wasn’t with you. I can’t remember when you weren’t my heart.”
Can you understand this, Karl? Can you understand what this did to me? You ripped me apart and you took something away from me that I can never, ever reclaim. I’m not whole anymore, you see, I can’t leave you completely. You never left me completely.
“I didn’t think it was possible for anyone to break me; I didn’t think I would ever be someone who could be so destroyed…”
My voice is barely a whisper, and the tears won’t stop.
“You broke me. And I don’t know how to make that better. I don’t know how to stop it from hurting. I can’t stop it hurting.”
He’s crying now, I can hear him. He pulls me close, my head against his, his heart against mine. I never thought it would be Karl I’d tell this to. I never thought it would be Karl I’d cry to about this.
I never even knew I could cry like this.
***
I open my eyes. An age has passed but I’m still here, my head against his, his heart against mine. I’m clinging to him, my lifeline.
Lyn thinks I’m a fool. Libby too. That I should be proud. I should be dignified and move on. I should tell him to leave, tell him no, tell him that I don’t need him. That to have any dignity I should turn and walk away, for the rest of my life.
For the rest of my life.
He could have died.
***
I am proud. I’m proud that I have managed to survive when so many days I’ve hidden behind these walls. I’m proud that I’ve gone to work everyday. I’m proud that I’ve kept smiling, and I’ve tried new things, and I’ve been civil to Karl, and I’ve kept going.
I am dignified. I haven’t taken revenge on Isabelle. I haven’t refused to talk to Karl. I haven’t been petty, I haven’t demanded everything from the divorce, I’ve been fair, I’ve held my head high and I’ve wished them well. I have my dignity.
I’m proud and I’m dignified because I did all those things when so many days I wanted to close my eyes and wish my heart away.
I’m not weak for still loving a man who is my best friend, my lover and my soulmate of thirty years.
It doesn’t make me weak.
It makes me the strongest person I know.
***
“Are you okay?”
His voice is quiet and calm, and he speaks with genuine concern.
“No.”
I’m not. I’m not okay, Karl. I want my life the way it was. I want you back. I want you here. It will take time, Karl, but I want you here.
“What can I do?”
Leave, Karl, walk away, let me hide here and cry and pretend everything’s alright.
“Stay.”
My heart. Every time.
END.
