Post by Liz on May 4, 2008 16:02:38 GMT -5
Title: Gone
Author: Liz
Pairing Karl/Susan
Rating PG I guess...it's a little dark.
Spoilers None.
Summary: When she is gone, what hope does he have? Set during early 2008.
I know she’s gone. I know from the minute that I arrive at the hospital in a rush. I know from the look on my colleagues faces as I begin speaking to her doctor. My heart knew ever since the phone call to say her condition was worsening.
Yet something in me refuses to believe that she has indeed passed on. I don’t know what it is but it’s there, yelling at me, telling me that this is all lies. You see we were meant to be together, forever…well until we were old and grey. So how could she have been taken from me so soon? It doesn’t make sense.
I look at the doctor in front of me who is sombre but his tone is kind, yet professional. He’s doing everything by the book of course. He reaches out, touches my shoulder but I barely notice. Nothing really seems real to me at this moment in time. I’m frozen. The doctor tries to get my attention again but I just walk past him, to her room. I have to see her. Only then will I know that this nightmare is real. Perhaps then I will be able to feel something, anything except this numbness.
Opening the door to her room, I take a deep breath beforehand. I have to try and prepare myself for this somehow. In a way this shouldn’t be so hard. As a doctor, I know what a dead body looks like. I have even helped the nurses take the deceased to the morgue. But yet this is very different. It’s different because I have lost myself. I have lost my life, the one person that I have always, always loved and the one person I was the closest to. I feel a coldness wrap around me and it chills me to the bone. I know this isn’t going to be easy now. I sense it with everything that I am.
I walk in and at first everything seems normal. It’s a normal hospital room, the walls are yellow and there is light coming in from the windows. Exactly how I knew it would be. But there’s a slight difference. Whereas the walls would usually fill me with comfort and a sense of compassion, today they fill me with dread. There is nothing comforting about them today, not at all. They are cold and blank, perhaps symbolising my feelings. I stare at them for a while, not wanting to turn to the bed in the room. I don’t want to see her. I can’t. Not yet. I’m not prepared. Maybe I should leave the room…I can’t handle this.
But eventually I find the strength and I turn to face her. My eyes feel wet but I don’t think I am crying. I can’t, at least not yet. I am not ready to let her go. I walk slowly to her bedside. She somehow manages to look beautiful even in death. I don’t know how she does that. She lies on her back, her face relaxed. All of her worries have disappeared; she looks so much younger then her years.
A smile graces her lips slightly and I wonder what she was thinking about when she passed. Was she thinking about me, about our life together? I hope so. I kneel beside her bed and I brush a strand of hair from her face. She looks like she is just sleeping. Maybe she is, maybe the doctors have it all wrong. But as I touch her face, I know this is not true. For her face is starting to lose its warmth. A cold has set in and it is then that I know that she is dead. She has gone. Her spirit, the life within her has gone. And all there is left is her body and even soon that will be gone. I lean over and kiss her lips then, in the hope she will wake up. I know I am not exactly Prince Charming but if it worked for him, it has to work for me too right?
She doesn’t wake. She doesn’t move. I stay rooted to the spot. What else can I do? I have to be with her. She needs me and I need her. I need her so much, almost as much as I need air and water. How the hell can I go on if she doesn’t wake up? What pathetic existence will I lead without her? I can’t walk away from her now. I did that once and it was the biggest mistake of my life.
“I won’t leave you darling.” I speak then, hoarsely. “I promise I won’t.”
I am in denial I know that. I keep switching from accepting the truth to denying it. But the real truth is I don’t want her to be gone. God I can’t go on without her. I really can’t. I know that I am half the man I once was and even less so now that she is gone. And I walked out on her. That thought keeps coming back to me but it’s true. I walked on her and I hurt her over and over again. God I wasted so many years! I could have been so happy….instead I hurt her and myself and shortened our life together. Now she’s gone and I only have myself to blame.
“Karl.” A voice speaks and I manage to tear myself away from my beloved. It’s Phil Martin. I didn’t know how he knew.
“She’s really gone…”I whisper. It’s all I can say.
I look up at Phil, who’s eyes are red rimmed. He loved her too, I realise. But what man couldn’t?
“I got here as soon as I heard.” Phil spoke. “Libby called to say Susan was involved in a car accident of some kind but I didn’t know…until the doctor told me….”
I nod slowly. “It wasn’t long ago.” I stutter. “I wasn’t even here when she….”
Phil puts an arm around me then. “There was nothing you could do mate.”
I shake my head. “Of course there’s something I could have done! I could have been here when she needed me…but I wasn’t! I was on bleeding house calls. I should…”
“You couldn’t have known she would have gone so soon.” Phil’s voice trembled. “You told the kids yet?”
I stare at Phil then, unable to speak. How could I have forgotten that?! My children…our children needed to know. I am so idiotic. They are so important to me and yet they haven’t been told of their mother’s death. Karl, you prat. You stupid, stupid prat.
“S.hit!.”
“No I understand mate.” Phil tries to comfort me. “You’re only trying to get your head around this yourself.”
“Doesn’t excuse me though does it?” I snap angrily. “I really am a selfish prick.”
“Karl…”Phil tries but I storm away. I need to find a phone and call Lib, Mal and Billy. It’s only now that I feel the beginning of tears well in my eyes. Typical eh? It takes my children to make me really see. Oh god…I’m going to have to break their hearts. How the hell do I do this? How to tell my children that their mother is gone. I should have taken today off, should have been with her but I wasn’t. Now it’s too late and neither I or my children were with Susan when she died. And that’s all because of me.
I see a payphone around the corner and I pick it up. It feels heavy in my hands. I look at the numbers and for once in my life; I can’t remember our number automatically. I think for a few seconds and then it comes like that. Slowly I dial the number and it rings out about four times before Libby answers it.
“Hello?” She says and my heart smashes into pieces. What the hell do I say? How can I tell my daughter this? My mouth goes dry and I can’t speak.
“Hello?” She says again and sighs. “Look if this is some prank call…”
“Lib, it’s me.” I interrupt her.
“Oh Dad, I was trying to reach you. Mal’s just arrived home! Catherine’s with him too…he says…”
“Libby.” I speak more firmly then, unable to hear any more of her chat. It’s not that I don’t care; it’s just that that life, that normality seems so very far away now. “ Libby, I need to tell you something….”
I am at home now with my children. Phillip and Ruth are here too, having travelled down from Darwin. I am so very glad they are here. They are close friends and I think my children could do with their love and support as their father is so far removed. I am unable to comfort any of them and I hate myself. I sit here now on the sofa and I can hear the heartbreaking sobs coming from Libby. She is in Malcolm’s arms, who is trying to console her but is in tears too. Billy sits with Anne silently, tears streaming down his cheeks. I know they need me but I don’t need them. I don’t need or want them. I want nothing but my wife. I only want her back. I could care less about anything else.
I feel awful that I feel this way. I love my children dearly but I have nothing to offer them. I am cold and empty and cannot bear to comfort anyone at this moment in time. What’s the point? Platitudes are great and all but they mean nothing. It’s just pity disguised and I hate that. I don’t need anyone’s pity.
Mal is looking at me with worry but also disgust on his face. I think he thinks that I don’t care. As far as he can see, his father is just sitting there, not giving a d**n. But that is so far from the truth and secretly I think he knows that. He just wants to lash out. Can’t say I blame him really.
“Dad, what are you doing?” Billy asks as I move to the cupboard and remove a bottle of whisky.
I look up at him. “Having a shot or two.” I say, harshly. I don’t mean to offend but I just don’t care anymore.
“Is that wise?” Phil asks moving towards me. “Karl, I know you’re in pain right now and I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of pain you’re in but drinking isn’t the answer.”
“Isn’t it?” I ask bitterly. “If I can forget for an hour or two, then yes it is.”
Malcolm stands up then. “Oh sure.” He says snidely. “That’s your answer to everything isn’t it Dad? Things get rough, you turn to alcohol. You don’t actually care how we feel. It’s always about you!”
A dark anger rises in me, it’s unlike anything I’ve felt before. “Don’t you tell me how I feel.” I snap at him coldly. “You have absolutely no idea how I feel.”
“Well look at you.” Malcolm retorts. “You are devoid of any emotion whatsoever. God you really didn’t care about Mum did you? I mean well it’s obvious from your actions towards her.”
That’s it. I put the drink down and move towards Malcolm, fury boiling within me. I want to punch the kid. I grab him by the shirt angrily and drag him up against the wall, barely able to conceal my rage now.
“Don’t you ever EVER presume to know how I felt about your mother!” I shout, tears beginning to slide down my cheeks. “I loved Susan Malcolm, I loved her so much that I am struggling….I’m struggling to live. I might have made some mistakes. Believe me I know. Do you think I find this easy….any of this? You haven’t got a bleeding clue son.”
Malcolm looks slightly scared and in that moment, I let him go, feeling slightly guilty. I am not the kind of father that would ever hurt their children but I am so angry and so utterly lost that I do not know who I am. Susan knew who I was.
“Karl.” Phil pulls me away from Malcolm and leads me over to the couch. I’m shaking now. I feel sick. She really is gone. My beloved Susan really is gone. Oh god….
“Karl?” Phil asks in concern.
I break down. I can’t do this any longer. All the pain and the memories come back to me in a rush. The numbness is residing and all I can feel now is pain. Pure utter pain. I am crying. I can feel my chest shake with the sobs, I can feel the tears roll down my face. There’s nothing left of me anymore.
Night falls and I lie outside on the lawn, looking up at the moon. I have a blanket across me and a pillow supports my head. Everyone else is inside, sleeping on couches, beds or whatever. But I can’t bear to be there. I hate that house. It’s full of memories, hard and painful. One day they will be beautiful but for now, they are pain.
I am still crying. I haven’t stopped since I broke down in the house earlier. I don’t think I will ever stop. My life is gone now and all that was good and right has faded from view. I always thought she would be the one constant in my life but she has been taken from me. I know she would want me to carry on, to look after our children and to be strong but that has never been me really has it? I am a weak man indeed and I am flawed. People see me as a pillar of the community but I am not. Those who are close to me know I struggle with temptation and dissatisfaction with life. Well I realise now far too late that my life was perfect. She was perfect. And she is gone.
Susan…I remember her smile, her laugh and her kindness. And as I stick a handful of pills into my mouth, I smile through my tears. She is the love of my life, no doubt about that. Well it’s late now and my mind is beginning to blur. I expect it’s these d**n pills. I’ve taken too much of them and I’ve mixed them with alcohol. Not a great combination eh? Doesn’t matter because I know that I will be with her very soon. I won’t have to suffer anymore.
Oh I am weak and I am flawed but that will change soon I hope. With her, I am someone I admire. I am someone I have longed to be my whole life. And I will be gone from this pathetic life I have led. I will be free.
Author: Liz
Pairing Karl/Susan
Rating PG I guess...it's a little dark.
Spoilers None.
Summary: When she is gone, what hope does he have? Set during early 2008.
I know she’s gone. I know from the minute that I arrive at the hospital in a rush. I know from the look on my colleagues faces as I begin speaking to her doctor. My heart knew ever since the phone call to say her condition was worsening.
Yet something in me refuses to believe that she has indeed passed on. I don’t know what it is but it’s there, yelling at me, telling me that this is all lies. You see we were meant to be together, forever…well until we were old and grey. So how could she have been taken from me so soon? It doesn’t make sense.
I look at the doctor in front of me who is sombre but his tone is kind, yet professional. He’s doing everything by the book of course. He reaches out, touches my shoulder but I barely notice. Nothing really seems real to me at this moment in time. I’m frozen. The doctor tries to get my attention again but I just walk past him, to her room. I have to see her. Only then will I know that this nightmare is real. Perhaps then I will be able to feel something, anything except this numbness.
Opening the door to her room, I take a deep breath beforehand. I have to try and prepare myself for this somehow. In a way this shouldn’t be so hard. As a doctor, I know what a dead body looks like. I have even helped the nurses take the deceased to the morgue. But yet this is very different. It’s different because I have lost myself. I have lost my life, the one person that I have always, always loved and the one person I was the closest to. I feel a coldness wrap around me and it chills me to the bone. I know this isn’t going to be easy now. I sense it with everything that I am.
I walk in and at first everything seems normal. It’s a normal hospital room, the walls are yellow and there is light coming in from the windows. Exactly how I knew it would be. But there’s a slight difference. Whereas the walls would usually fill me with comfort and a sense of compassion, today they fill me with dread. There is nothing comforting about them today, not at all. They are cold and blank, perhaps symbolising my feelings. I stare at them for a while, not wanting to turn to the bed in the room. I don’t want to see her. I can’t. Not yet. I’m not prepared. Maybe I should leave the room…I can’t handle this.
But eventually I find the strength and I turn to face her. My eyes feel wet but I don’t think I am crying. I can’t, at least not yet. I am not ready to let her go. I walk slowly to her bedside. She somehow manages to look beautiful even in death. I don’t know how she does that. She lies on her back, her face relaxed. All of her worries have disappeared; she looks so much younger then her years.
A smile graces her lips slightly and I wonder what she was thinking about when she passed. Was she thinking about me, about our life together? I hope so. I kneel beside her bed and I brush a strand of hair from her face. She looks like she is just sleeping. Maybe she is, maybe the doctors have it all wrong. But as I touch her face, I know this is not true. For her face is starting to lose its warmth. A cold has set in and it is then that I know that she is dead. She has gone. Her spirit, the life within her has gone. And all there is left is her body and even soon that will be gone. I lean over and kiss her lips then, in the hope she will wake up. I know I am not exactly Prince Charming but if it worked for him, it has to work for me too right?
She doesn’t wake. She doesn’t move. I stay rooted to the spot. What else can I do? I have to be with her. She needs me and I need her. I need her so much, almost as much as I need air and water. How the hell can I go on if she doesn’t wake up? What pathetic existence will I lead without her? I can’t walk away from her now. I did that once and it was the biggest mistake of my life.
“I won’t leave you darling.” I speak then, hoarsely. “I promise I won’t.”
I am in denial I know that. I keep switching from accepting the truth to denying it. But the real truth is I don’t want her to be gone. God I can’t go on without her. I really can’t. I know that I am half the man I once was and even less so now that she is gone. And I walked out on her. That thought keeps coming back to me but it’s true. I walked on her and I hurt her over and over again. God I wasted so many years! I could have been so happy….instead I hurt her and myself and shortened our life together. Now she’s gone and I only have myself to blame.
“Karl.” A voice speaks and I manage to tear myself away from my beloved. It’s Phil Martin. I didn’t know how he knew.
“She’s really gone…”I whisper. It’s all I can say.
I look up at Phil, who’s eyes are red rimmed. He loved her too, I realise. But what man couldn’t?
“I got here as soon as I heard.” Phil spoke. “Libby called to say Susan was involved in a car accident of some kind but I didn’t know…until the doctor told me….”
I nod slowly. “It wasn’t long ago.” I stutter. “I wasn’t even here when she….”
Phil puts an arm around me then. “There was nothing you could do mate.”
I shake my head. “Of course there’s something I could have done! I could have been here when she needed me…but I wasn’t! I was on bleeding house calls. I should…”
“You couldn’t have known she would have gone so soon.” Phil’s voice trembled. “You told the kids yet?”
I stare at Phil then, unable to speak. How could I have forgotten that?! My children…our children needed to know. I am so idiotic. They are so important to me and yet they haven’t been told of their mother’s death. Karl, you prat. You stupid, stupid prat.
“S.hit!.”
“No I understand mate.” Phil tries to comfort me. “You’re only trying to get your head around this yourself.”
“Doesn’t excuse me though does it?” I snap angrily. “I really am a selfish prick.”
“Karl…”Phil tries but I storm away. I need to find a phone and call Lib, Mal and Billy. It’s only now that I feel the beginning of tears well in my eyes. Typical eh? It takes my children to make me really see. Oh god…I’m going to have to break their hearts. How the hell do I do this? How to tell my children that their mother is gone. I should have taken today off, should have been with her but I wasn’t. Now it’s too late and neither I or my children were with Susan when she died. And that’s all because of me.
I see a payphone around the corner and I pick it up. It feels heavy in my hands. I look at the numbers and for once in my life; I can’t remember our number automatically. I think for a few seconds and then it comes like that. Slowly I dial the number and it rings out about four times before Libby answers it.
“Hello?” She says and my heart smashes into pieces. What the hell do I say? How can I tell my daughter this? My mouth goes dry and I can’t speak.
“Hello?” She says again and sighs. “Look if this is some prank call…”
“Lib, it’s me.” I interrupt her.
“Oh Dad, I was trying to reach you. Mal’s just arrived home! Catherine’s with him too…he says…”
“Libby.” I speak more firmly then, unable to hear any more of her chat. It’s not that I don’t care; it’s just that that life, that normality seems so very far away now. “ Libby, I need to tell you something….”
I am at home now with my children. Phillip and Ruth are here too, having travelled down from Darwin. I am so very glad they are here. They are close friends and I think my children could do with their love and support as their father is so far removed. I am unable to comfort any of them and I hate myself. I sit here now on the sofa and I can hear the heartbreaking sobs coming from Libby. She is in Malcolm’s arms, who is trying to console her but is in tears too. Billy sits with Anne silently, tears streaming down his cheeks. I know they need me but I don’t need them. I don’t need or want them. I want nothing but my wife. I only want her back. I could care less about anything else.
I feel awful that I feel this way. I love my children dearly but I have nothing to offer them. I am cold and empty and cannot bear to comfort anyone at this moment in time. What’s the point? Platitudes are great and all but they mean nothing. It’s just pity disguised and I hate that. I don’t need anyone’s pity.
Mal is looking at me with worry but also disgust on his face. I think he thinks that I don’t care. As far as he can see, his father is just sitting there, not giving a d**n. But that is so far from the truth and secretly I think he knows that. He just wants to lash out. Can’t say I blame him really.
“Dad, what are you doing?” Billy asks as I move to the cupboard and remove a bottle of whisky.
I look up at him. “Having a shot or two.” I say, harshly. I don’t mean to offend but I just don’t care anymore.
“Is that wise?” Phil asks moving towards me. “Karl, I know you’re in pain right now and I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of pain you’re in but drinking isn’t the answer.”
“Isn’t it?” I ask bitterly. “If I can forget for an hour or two, then yes it is.”
Malcolm stands up then. “Oh sure.” He says snidely. “That’s your answer to everything isn’t it Dad? Things get rough, you turn to alcohol. You don’t actually care how we feel. It’s always about you!”
A dark anger rises in me, it’s unlike anything I’ve felt before. “Don’t you tell me how I feel.” I snap at him coldly. “You have absolutely no idea how I feel.”
“Well look at you.” Malcolm retorts. “You are devoid of any emotion whatsoever. God you really didn’t care about Mum did you? I mean well it’s obvious from your actions towards her.”
That’s it. I put the drink down and move towards Malcolm, fury boiling within me. I want to punch the kid. I grab him by the shirt angrily and drag him up against the wall, barely able to conceal my rage now.
“Don’t you ever EVER presume to know how I felt about your mother!” I shout, tears beginning to slide down my cheeks. “I loved Susan Malcolm, I loved her so much that I am struggling….I’m struggling to live. I might have made some mistakes. Believe me I know. Do you think I find this easy….any of this? You haven’t got a bleeding clue son.”
Malcolm looks slightly scared and in that moment, I let him go, feeling slightly guilty. I am not the kind of father that would ever hurt their children but I am so angry and so utterly lost that I do not know who I am. Susan knew who I was.
“Karl.” Phil pulls me away from Malcolm and leads me over to the couch. I’m shaking now. I feel sick. She really is gone. My beloved Susan really is gone. Oh god….
“Karl?” Phil asks in concern.
I break down. I can’t do this any longer. All the pain and the memories come back to me in a rush. The numbness is residing and all I can feel now is pain. Pure utter pain. I am crying. I can feel my chest shake with the sobs, I can feel the tears roll down my face. There’s nothing left of me anymore.
Night falls and I lie outside on the lawn, looking up at the moon. I have a blanket across me and a pillow supports my head. Everyone else is inside, sleeping on couches, beds or whatever. But I can’t bear to be there. I hate that house. It’s full of memories, hard and painful. One day they will be beautiful but for now, they are pain.
I am still crying. I haven’t stopped since I broke down in the house earlier. I don’t think I will ever stop. My life is gone now and all that was good and right has faded from view. I always thought she would be the one constant in my life but she has been taken from me. I know she would want me to carry on, to look after our children and to be strong but that has never been me really has it? I am a weak man indeed and I am flawed. People see me as a pillar of the community but I am not. Those who are close to me know I struggle with temptation and dissatisfaction with life. Well I realise now far too late that my life was perfect. She was perfect. And she is gone.
Susan…I remember her smile, her laugh and her kindness. And as I stick a handful of pills into my mouth, I smile through my tears. She is the love of my life, no doubt about that. Well it’s late now and my mind is beginning to blur. I expect it’s these d**n pills. I’ve taken too much of them and I’ve mixed them with alcohol. Not a great combination eh? Doesn’t matter because I know that I will be with her very soon. I won’t have to suffer anymore.
Oh I am weak and I am flawed but that will change soon I hope. With her, I am someone I admire. I am someone I have longed to be my whole life. And I will be gone from this pathetic life I have led. I will be free.